My kinblog got deleted yesterday for some unknown reason and I am, quite frankly, incredibly upset. I can't recall ever violating Tumblr's terms of service, and I only had twelve followers on that blog, so I don't understand why it was targeted for termination. I had saved a lot of fanart that resonated with my Raidou-ness and several resources that, while not necessarily related to fictionhood, I had intended to return to at some point that are now completely lost unless I convince Tumblr's support team to restore my blog. It's not exactly like I can recover everything throught the Wayback Machine, either, since my kinblog was only archived once back in very early February. I'm not sure what I'll do if I truly lose that blog for good, it was so incredibly pivotal in helping me fully embrace and explore my Raidou-ness.

Something about my Raidou-ness that I'm grateful for is the way that knowing Raidou as nonverbal has made it easier for me to acknowledge my own difficulties with verbal communication. While I can still speak most of the time, it's incredibly hard for me to actually make the words I want to say come out of my mouth (meaning I will often stare at people and stammer "um" and "uh" for some thirty-odd seconds before I can manage half a coherent phrase). It's comforting to know that I'm not a unique failure for struggling to communicate properly.

I had a strange moment yesterday of... un-shifting? I don't really know how to explain it, but for a few seconds I felt painfully aware of my own flesh-and-blood body, not quite as if I were viewing myself from the third person but very close. It felt very uncomfortable to suddenly understand how other people perceive me. I've never really considered myself "permashifted" before, but having the constant background noise of my Raidou-ness gone for even just a moment freaked me out a lot. I don't think I could ever live my life in that constant state of just... having to be aware of my own existence with nothing to cushion the experience. I think I'm a lot more aware of just how much of a "safety blanket" my Raidou-ness is to me now.