On the 26th, I returned from a brief trip to Tokyo for spring break and I think I'm still... processing it. I really don't know how to feel. On one hand, I had a lot of fun going to Ueno Zoo, shopping in Ikebukuro, exploring Shinjuku at night, stuff like that. On the other hand... it's not my Tokyo. It's not the Capital I know as Raidou. Tsukudo-Chō—Kagurazaka, that is—felt almost exactly like home. Tamonten Shrine—Zenkoku-ji—looked exactly how it should, and so did the side streets. But everywhere else; Ginza, Fukagawa, Harumi, etc... none of it was the same. Of course, I knew none of the places I visited would be perfectly 1:1 with how they appeared in Soulless Army or my own knowledge—it's been almost 100 years since 1931, after all—but I didn't feel anything so much as a vague spark of recognition. I felt completely lost, both literally and metaphorically.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to come to grips with Tokyo. Maybe if I get to return without my family, maybe if I have free range to explore the city for myself on my own time, I'll be able to appreciate it more. It's hard to say. Everything that didn't have to do with my source, I enjoyed a lot. I want to say that if I just focused on those parts of Tokyo I could probably come to like the city, but it feels like someone carved a massive rift through my heart in the shape of the Capital whenever I think about it for too long. If anything, I'd like to see Tamonten Shrine one last time before I leave Japan. That's all I want for now.

To me, the line between headcanon and noema is incredibly fuzzy. I've been constructing a sort of... DSRK-verse so I can weave certain elements of my noemata into my fanfiction without making it too obvious what's going on (and to use some of my real-world knowledge as a crutch), but now it feels like some of the headcanons that I created have been "overriding" my original noemata. Was the Demifiend always Hard of Hearing in my knowledge of him...? Did I as Raidou know JSL, or a different sign language constructed and used by those affiliated with the Kuzunoha Clan/Yatagarasu...? It's hard for me to remember.

My kinblog got deleted yesterday for some unknown reason and I am, quite frankly, incredibly upset. I can't recall ever violating Tumblr's terms of service, and I only had twelve followers on that blog, so I don't understand why it was targeted for termination. I had saved a lot of fanart that resonated with my Raidou-ness and several resources that, while not necessarily related to fictionhood, I had intended to return to at some point that are now completely lost unless I convince Tumblr's support team to restore my blog. It's not exactly like I can recover everything throught the Wayback Machine, either, since my kinblog was only archived once back in very early February. I'm not sure what I'll do if I truly lose that blog for good, it was so incredibly pivotal in helping me fully embrace and explore my Raidou-ness.

Something about my Raidou-ness that I'm grateful for is the way that knowing Raidou as nonverbal has made it easier for me to acknowledge my own difficulties with verbal communication. While I can still speak most of the time, it's incredibly hard for me to actually make the words I want to say come out of my mouth (meaning I will often stare at people and stammer "um" and "uh" for some thirty-odd seconds before I can manage half a coherent phrase). It's comforting to know that I'm not a unique failure for struggling to communicate properly.

I had a strange moment yesterday of... un-shifting? I don't really know how to explain it, but for a few seconds I felt painfully aware of my own flesh-and-blood body, not quite as if I were viewing myself from the third person but very close. It felt very uncomfortable to suddenly understand how other people perceive me. I've never really considered myself "permashifted" before, but having the constant background noise of my Raidou-ness gone for even just a moment freaked me out a lot. I don't think I could ever live my life in that constant state of just... having to be aware of my own existence with nothing to cushion the experience. I think I'm a lot more aware of just how much of a "safety blanket" my Raidou-ness is to me now.